I am tired. Those three words have been feeling inadequate lately. It has been a year of more or less constant exhaustion. A tiredness I haven’t been able to sleep away, no matter how hard I’ve tried. A fatigue that seems to have seeped into my bones, and lingers for no reason I can fathom. My body has forgotten how to hold onto energy and I try and fight against it, but it’s like holding water in a sieve; energy doesn’t stick around for long.
I am tired, tired of so many things. I’m tired of trying to explain something that I don’t understand myself. Of doctors appointments that feel like hitting my head against a brick wall. I’m tired of all the conflicting advice, of combing through everyone’s opinions and still having no answers. Of feeling that the solution is just hiding out of sight and that maybe if I looked harder I’d find it. I’m tired of my life looking like a battle ground in a war I can’t comprehend, but seems to be playing out around me.
I’m tired of the self-analysis, wondering if there’s something I could be doing differently to fix the problem. That maybe this is my fault, something I keep getting wrong, or that I just need to try harder. I’m tired of worrying that it’s all in my head, that maybe I’m just not good at being well. Maybe I am the problem. I’m tired of believing that if someone else walked in my shoes then they would do a better job.
I’m tired of having to turn down invitations, knowing that they may not come again. Of having to be sensible, always thinking about the repercussions of anything I do. I’m fed up of feeling like a rubbish friend, and failing at communication again and again. I’m tired of the days where I feel lonely and isolated but don’t have any energy to do anything about it. Of wishing there could be that one special person to share the tough decisions with.
But mostly I’m tired of being tired.
And if I’m honest, most days this is where I would stop, wallowing in the frustration and the weariness. But I’ve been coming back to one of my favourite psalms recently and caught by these verses:
“Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.”
My God is my refuge, I can take shelter in the one who doesn’t ever grow tired or weary. I’ve taken shelter here many times before, from the storms of life. And one thing I have learnt is that my God is always faithful. I may not understand what is happening but He in His wisdom understands completely. My Almighty Father is in absolute control and he simply asks me to trust Him. I know no one more deserving of my trust.
So yes I am still tired, and I would like very much to change that. But instead of getting frustrated and defeated, I’m going to take shelter under His wings. I know that’s where I’m supposed to be.